Maturity (mə-ˈtu̇r-ə-tē, -ˈtyu̇r- also -ˈchu̇r)

Personally I always go with the phonetically spelled 'matuerty'.  I find that the snottier you are the more 'matuer' people believe you to be.

Today marked one of those likely great turning points in my life.  No, no, I passed puberty long ago.  We're not talking about that kind of maturity.  Although, I'm still somewhat disturbed from the images of those maturation classes, but I digress.  I actually applied, interviewed, and finagled my way into a job.  For the numerous people out there paying very close attention to the banalities that are my life, I did have another offer.  But I don't think it counts as much because they gave it to me after a fifteen minute phone interview.  (SUCKERS!)

Our government was gonna let me do this after fifteen minutes of talking with me.  Just let that simmer.

This job is much different.  They met and had numerous conversation with me before calling to tell me they'd be making me an offer.

It took roughly three hours to convince them I could do this safely.

This is for sure the first picture in my office.

That really got me thinking.  I'd finally done it.

After all this time perhaps I can say that I've matured to the level that will allow me to lie like an adult.  I spent what can only be termed as numerous hours blowing sunshine straight up my would be bosses hind parts.  (I'm pretty sure I didn't tell them about my blog...)  "How would you describe your group interaction?"  "I find that I have a really knack for conflict resolution and enjoy difficult projects with large groups."  What was I supposed to say?  I friggen hate working with others because I find them most of them are inept at what they do and are further trying to ride my coat tails and take the credit?  I don't think they'd call me back.  Interviews are always a battle of 'How dumb do you think I am?'.  "What do you think about working overtime if the job isn't done?"  Seriously, am I dumb enough to say, 'Do you pay me by the hour'?

The best questions are the ones that have to do with 'need to succeed' scenarios.  What environment, people, place, predicament, pet, pronoun, or any other alliterative word you can come up with.  Any applicant with half a brain will grab a mirror find a sunny window and ask the interviewer to bend on over.  (Figuratively, obviously.  You don't win points with crass jokes typically.)

My personal responses have nothing to do with what I really think.  I need loud-mouthed smart alec people who like to insult the stupidity of others while trying to do as little work as possible.  My ideal work environment would be a giant office elaborately furnished with glass walls and a stunning view of a mountain/beach/foliage.  This space would be occupied by me alone with my gorgeous secretary in the foyer awaiting to fulfill all of my slightest requests.  These are my tools for success (although now that I think about it I'm sure I'd get very little work done).  Also I want a solid concrete cantilevered desk that I designed.

Picture this baby in the foyer but minus frumpy McGee.

But these are not the answers a committee wants to hear about a prospective employee.

So take a lesson from all those other applicants out there.  Pause to reflect, speak clearly, a muster up the most articulate and eloquent falsified information you can imagine.  It's the mature thing to do.

Please excuse my french.

Culo e Camicia

"Hello", I said.  "Eh come stai bella faccia da triangolo?".  Even after two years I knew exactly who this was calling me.  There is only one person in the world who still calls me triangle face.  We hadn't spoken in a few years, but that shouldn't change the fact that he insults me every time he greets me on the phone.  Our conversation consisted of the usual lamenting of our lives and commiserating on how superficial we are.  When I tried to be polite and apologize for boring Francesco with my italian, he remarked that my italian was fine and it was more what I was talking about that was boring him.

My niece made a comment today about the poor quality of the food that she was forced to eat.  Her wise mother responded, 'Isn't that lovely?', to which my niece replied, 'No, it's not at all.  Why would you say that?'.  I suggested to Cracker that she get used to the sardonic tone.

If you were to ask my best friend what my best qualities are I already know what he'd reply.  'Emotionally needy.'  I once said that in an interview.  They didn't call me back.

When my brother's girlfriend dumped him I thought it prudent to send him a card on Valentine's Day.  It was a Winnie the Pooh card with he and Piglet dancing on the front.  I wrote inside, 'You are twice as gay as this card.'

It seems divine providence has brought us all together.  If you're reading this perhaps you know the feeling.

Just like I was meant for you.